Horizon Line
by yellowcottondresses
Summary: This is what grief looks like: it eats you alive. And all that's left is the WHY. Takes place after 4x07, "Can't Get Used To Losing You". Layla/Jeff
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: As of now, this is set to be a 5-parter. Takes place after the events of 4x07 "Can't Get Used to Losing You".**

 **I don't own Nashville.**

 **I.**

This

Is what

Grief

Looks like

When

It's

Fresh

And

Raw

As the

Heart

Ripped out

Of your

Chest:

.

You're

Walking

Down a

Long

Dark

Hallway

There must

Be

Another end

Somewhere

But

You can't

See it

So

You just

Keep

Walking

The

Darkness

Ahead

Looks

Like

It

Goes

On

Forever

For a while

You just

Focus

On

Putting

One foot

In front

Of

The other

Putting

Everything

Else

Out

Of your

Mind

.

You're

Underwater

With

Your

Eyes

Wide

Open

Sounds

Colors

Images

All

Distorted

Nothing

Registers

You don't

Feel

Attached

To your

Body

.

Somewhere

You can see

Lights

Motions

The world

Going on

Somewhere

Close

But

None

Of It

Reaches

You

.

You just

Float

Beneath

It all

Chest aching

Head spinning

Feet unable

To touch

The ground

.

You're in

A dream

The kind

That feels

Just enough

Like the

Real world

To

Make sense

To

Your mind

But

With

slight

Differences

People's faces

Are foreign

Their words

Don't make

Sense

You try

To respond

But

They can't

Understand

You

Anymore

Than you

Understand

Them

.

When you jolt

Awake

You can

Still

Feel

Your heart

Pounding

Wondering

What it was

They were

Trying

To tell

You

And

Why

It was

So

Important

.

For a while

You can

Do

Anything

.

Because

Until

You feel

The impact

You're just

Hovering

In the

Atmosphere

.

Straddling

The horizon line

Of

Who you were

Versus

Who you will

Now be

.

Then

.

It's

Just

Like

A

Freefall

 **II.**

When she

Came back

From

Atlanta

All

She did

Was

Sleep

.

Buried

Under covers

That didn't

Smell

Like him

In a bed

They shared

Where

He'd branded

Her

With

His

Lips

His

Hands

His

Teeth

Eyes

Tongue

Heat

.

And

She

Slept

.

After

Luke's tribute

She crawled

Under the sheets

And

Stayed there

For

Four

Days

.

Rayna

Comes by

To check

On her

Makes her

Eat

Makes her

Shower

Makes her

Change clothes

And

Brushes

The sides

of her head

With

Cool

Steady

Hands

.

The tenderness

Makes

Layla

Cry

Until

She

Can't

See

.

Rayna says:

" _Call me_

 _Anytime_

 _Sweetheart_

 _Day_

 _Or_

 _Night_

 _Whatever_

 _You_

 _Need_

 _I'll be_

 _Praying_

 _For you."_

.

As the car

Pulls out

Of the

Driveway

Layla thinks

.

Prayer

Is for

People

Who still

Have

Hope

 **III.**

Jade St. John

Calls her

One week

After

Atlanta:

" _Forget_

 _The stupid Twitter fight_

 _Forget_

 _Getting kicked off the tour_

 _Forget_

 _Anything that happened_

 _It's in_

 _The past."_

 _._

Voicemail

.

It cuts

Jade off

Halfway

Through

Her message

So

She calls

Again

And leaves

Another

One

.

Full of

" _I'm sorry"_

" _If you ever want to talk"_

" _If you need anything"_

" _I still can't believe it_

 _I mean_

 _The news_

 _Said_

 _He –"_

.

(Jade doesn't

Say

The Word)

(Nobody

.

Says

The Word)

 _._

 _"I don't know_

 _How close_

 _You two_

 _Were_

 _But_

 _I loved Jeff_

 _Once_

 _And_

 _I miss him_

 _I tried_

 _Calling_

 _His family_

 _To get_

 _Details_

 _For the_

 _Funeral –"_

.

('Funeral'

Shreds

Layla's

Insides

To ribbons

In ways

She thought

No words

Had the

Power

To do

After

" _I'm gay"_ )

.

" _But_

 _They won't_

 _Answer me_

 _If you know_

 _Anything_

 _Please_

 _Call me_

 _I still can't_

 _Believe –"_

.

End

Of

Voicemail

.

Layla

Deletes

Both messages

And

Throws

Her phone

Against

The wall

.

She'll need

To change

Her number.

 **IV.**

How

Is it

Possible

.

The least-weird

Part

Of

Her life

Is

The person

She leans on

The most

Is

Her gay ex-husband?

.

She figures

It's best

Not to

Overthink

It

.

There's

Enough

Going on

Inside her

Head

That could

Leave her

Banging it

Against

The walls

For

Hours

Searching

For

Answers

And

Never

Finding

Them

.

But

He's still

Here

He's still

Reaching out

He's still

Her friend

.

Maybe

The best one

She's ever had

.

(The only one

She's ever had

If

She's being

Honest)

.

He checks in

With her

Every day

.

Texts her

All the time

.

Unpacks

The rest

Of the boxes

.

Stops by

Unannounced

To see

If she's

Stayed in bed

If she's

Not showering

If she's

Wearing dirty clothes

If she's

Not eating

.

Sometimes

She asks him

To stay

.

He does

.

He tells her:

" _Try to write_

 _It's worked_

 _Before."_

 _._

Writing

Used to

Help

.

But

Now

All her

Songs

Sound

Like

Shadows

Leaping from

Tall buildings

Blood

Spattered

On sidewalks

Bones

Shattered

Against pavement

Mouths

Wide open

In

Silent

Screams

.

She can't

Catch

A break

And

Wakes up

Crying

.

Will

Pokes his head

In her room

Asks

If she's

Okay

.

She yells

At him

So

He gets her

A glass

Of water

Like she's five

.

She can't stop

Crying

But

Drinks it

Anyway

.

At least

He doesn't

Tell her

To forget Jeff

And move on

Or

She'll feel

Better

Someday

.

He just

Gives her

Tissues

.

She has

No idea

Where

Her life

Would be

Without

Will

.

But

She wouldn't

Be

In the place

She's in

Now

.

And

That's not

Always

A bad thing.

 **V.**

She wakes up

4 AM

And

Wonders

What time

He died

.

She can't

Remember

What time

She went

To sleep

That Night

Or what time

The cops

Woke her

That Morning

.

" _Just wake me up –"_

Her last words

.

What

Day

Did

He

Die?

.

Was it

Thursday

Night?

.

How soon

After

She left

Luke's party?

.

Or

.

Did he

Make it

To see

The early hours

Of

Friday?

.

" _Sometimes_

 _People_

 _Mask_

 _Depression_

 _With_

 _False_

 _Hope."_

.

The police

Didn't

Care

What

She had

To say

About

Jeff:

.

He was

The only person

To see

Her true self

.

The only person

To believe

In her talent

.

The only person

That loved

The real

Layla Grant

.

They didn't

Care

About

Jam tents

Or

Designer boots

Or

Surprise singles

Released

On iTunes

.

They only

Wanted her

To say

What they

Already

Decided

.

" _Depression"_

.

People

Liked

That

Explanation

.

These concepts

An explanation

Something to

Grasp

.

This is

Important

To people

Things

Have

Names

.

Names

Make sense

Names

Don't leave

Every nerve

Raw

Exposed

Vulnerable

Shattered

.

Names

Help

.

" _Depression"_

.

They repeat it

Until

It's memorized

Like

The names

Of state capitals

Or

The order

Of the planets

.

A fact

.

Clear

As the

Difference

Between

Life

And

Death.

 **VI.**

Later

What surprises her

The most

Is that

She didn't

Cry

In front of

Those detectives

Sobbing

Her eyes out

Tearing

At her clothes

Raging

At God

Like you see

In the movies

.

But grief

She's realized

Is

Nothing

Like

Hollywood

.

Neatly

Packaged

And

Scripted

With

Perfect musical score

Lots of hugging

And

Pretty cry-faces

.

Instead

It

Eats

At her

.

Savage

Starving

Never

Satisfied

.

Biding

Its

Time

Always

Lurking

.

Ready

To

Strike

.

She still

Doesn't know

Where he's

Buried

.

Doesn't have

A grave

To visit

.

But

Even if

She could

She doesn't

Think

That

Would be

Like the

Movies

Either

.

Sitting by

A headstone

Tracing

A name

Feeling

A sense

Of peace

Or presence

.

Touched by

A freaking angel

.

Whatever

Bullshit

Is written

Inside

The Hallmark cards

.

She doesn't

Believe

There is a

Chunk

Of rock

That can

Make up

For

.

The coldness

On the

Other side

Of the bed

.

The fact

That the

Sheets

Have lost

His smell

.

That she

Has

Nothing

Of his

To hold

Onto

.

Except

.

The boots

He gave her

The album

He believed in

The songs

He Inspired

.

It

Levels

Her

Every

Time

.

Clawing

Her

Insides

Turning

Her

Into

A

Bomb

A name

Carved

In stone

Couldn't

Stop

The bleeding

.

(At night

She thinks

About

What his

Funeral

Was like

And

Weeps)

.

(She'll

Never

See

His name

Waiting

For her

To reach out

And touch

The closest

She'd get

To

Him

Ever

Again)

.

How

Can there

Be

So few

Traces

Of him

In her

Life?

.

Just

The boots

The songs

And

The ghost

Of being

Loved

Cherished

Wanted

.

It should take

More

than

A few

Star-strung hours

To completely

Erase

A human being

From the world.

 **VII.**

Rayna

Comes over

One afternoon

.

Layla

Turned off

Her phone

.

And Rayna

Had been

Trying

To reach

Her

All day

.

Layla thinks

She'll be

Angry

But Rayna's

Only

Worried:

" _I Couldn't_

 _Reach you_

 _I wanted_

 _To see_

 _How you_

 _were doing."_

 _._

(Shitty

How

Do you

Think)

.

Layla

Can't

Look

At her:

" _Sorry"_

.

Rayna

Hugs her

Warm

Solid

Without

Judgment

.

Layla hates

Herself

For crying

When

All she wants

To do

Is

Hold it

Together

In front of

The living legend

.

" _I'm so tired."_

Her snot

Is soaking

The expensive silk

Of Rayna's blouse

" _I'm so tired."_

.

Rayna sits

On the bed

With Layla

Strokes her

Forehead

Soothing

The ache

In her

Temples:

" _Close your eyes_

 _Sweetheart"_

 _._

" _I can't move"_

Layla tells her

" _I can't move"_

.

And

She

Can't

.

She's

Being

Crushed

.

Rayna

Keeps

Her arms

Around Layla

Gentle fingers

Stroking

Her hair

Her forehead

Her back

And doesn't

Leave

.

Just

Holds on

And

Stays.


	2. Chapter 2

**I.**

The trees

Are

Dying

.

October

Is almost

Over

.

A month

Full of

Monsters

Ghosts

Shadows

Darkness

Cemeteries

Graves

Death

.

Smiling pumpkins

And

Rubber bats

Dangle from branches

Of trees

.

Some

Are still

Holding onto

Their leaves

They're pure gold

Surrounded by

Reds and oranges

So

They

Glow

Like

Fire

.

The wind tries

To push the leaves

Toward a plunge

To the ground

Below

.

They'll pile

Into the grass

Turn brown

With decay

Eventually

Rot

Into

Nothing

.

Each rustle

Looks like

A deep breath

A moment

To choose

If they'll

Leap

Or

Hold On

.

She thinks:

 _They'll_

 _never_

 _come_

 _back_

.

The leaves

Breathe

At her

.

October

Has been

One

Endless

Death march

Surrounded by

Haunted things

But

November

Is the terror

That keeps her

Awake

.

He'll never

See

That month

.

Or

Any month

After

.

The rest

Of her life

Will be

The start

Of months

He'll never see

.

She will go

On

.

But

.

He'll

Always

Be

Stuck

In

Fucking

October

.

Always

Stuck

In the

Month

Of

The

Dead.

 **II.**

She hasn't

Washed

Her sheets

Since

Atlanta

.

She can

Smell

Them

.

Greasy hair

Unwashed skin

And

Restlessness

.

It's comforting

The sour stench

Of

Herself

.

The snug

Darkness

Under the covers

.

The sheets

Don't expect

Her

To do

Anything

But

Lie here

And

Breathe

.

In and out

In and out

.

They wrap

Around her

As she

Holds

Herself

Together

 **III.**

Today

.

Bad day

.

Bad headache

Bad mood

Bad everything

.

Bad bad bad

.

There's food

She can't keep down

Clothes

She doesn't wash

Calls and texts

She doesn't answer

.

Instead of

Sleeping

She

Remembers

.

Trying

To stay

Completely still

As if

The slightest shift

Of her body

Will scatter

The memories

She's trying

To hold

.

She tries

To burn

The details

Into

Her brain

.

Every

Word

Every

Movement

Every

.

Day

Night

Song

Dream

Smile

.

Taking

Them

Apart

.

Trying to

Feel

His touch

Hear

His voice

.

She left him

On that

Roof

.

She was

Tired

.

She wanted

To sleep

.

Instead of

Talking

With Luke

.

Instead of

Having

Another drink

.

Instead of

Celebrating

His new job

.

Instead of

Staying

.

She didn't think

She needed

A reason

To

Hold

Onto

Him

.

She didn't think

She'd ever

Be

Away

From

Him

.

She didn't

Think

.

He

Asked

Her

To

Stay

And

She

Left

.

She doesn't

Get to know

What happened

Why it happened

What she did

Right or wrong

.

What she

Could have

Done

What she

Should have

Done

.

She has

To live

With

That

.

Forever

.

She

Left

Him

On

That

Roof.

 **IV.**

She hears

His voice

One afternoon

Loud

And

Clear

.

Her guitar

Sits

In its

Case

By the bed

.

She wants

To grab it

And

Hurl it

Out

The window

But

.

She's

Frozen

.

She

Waits

For it

Again

Sure

It's

Echoing

Through

The walls

.

She

Stays

Frozen

But

.

He

Never

Comes

Back

.

Except for

The tick

Of the

Clock

The rattle

Of the

Heater

The thud

Of her

Heartbeat

The world

Is

Closed

To her

Silent

As

A

Grave.

 **V.**

Rayna

Invites her

To dinner

Some swanky restaurant

In

The Gulch

.

Good thing

There's

Candlelight

The darkness

Hides the zits

Along her jawline

Where

She hasn't

Washed

Her face

Also hides

The purple bags

Under her eyes

That look like

Someone

Sucker-punched

Her

.

Rayna

Is flawless

Like she just

Walked out of

A cover shoot

For some

Southern lifestyle magazine

Graciously ignoring

The mess

That is

Currently

Layla

.

The zits

The bags

The grey skin

The ragged nails

The wrinkled blouse

And baggy pants

That drape from

Her body

Like

Curtains

.

She has

To wear

A belt

To keep

The pants

From

Sliding

Off her hips

.

She hasn't

Been able

To keep

Much food down

But

Tells herself

She will

For Rayna

So she looks

Normal

.

Rayna asks:

" _How_

 _are you_

 _doin'_

 _Sweetheart?"_

.

How to

Answer

That?

.

My boyfriend

Broke up

With me

By

Killing himself

I feel like

I'll never

Be

Happy

Again

And

Every day

It gets

Worse

He

Left

Me

He

And

He

Never

Said

Goodbye

.

" _Fine,"_

Is what

Comes out

Instead

" _It's hard_

 _But_

 _It's getting_

 _Better_

 _A little_

 _I mean -_

 _As much as_

 _Things can_

 _Get better."_

.

The food comes

One bite

Two bite

Three bite

Chew

.

Rayna watches her:

" _Sweetheart."_

.

The word

Sets Layla's teeth

On edge

.

" _My good friend_

 _Is a GP ._

 _I could give you_

 _Her number."_

Rayna puts down

Her wine glass:

" _She could_

 _Recommend_

 _Some people_

 _You could_

 _Talk to –_

 _If you think_

 _It might be_

 _Helpful."_

.

Whatever food

Layla managed

To swallow

Threatens

To come

Back up:

" _What, like_

 _A shrink?"_

.

Rayna

Chooses her words

Like she's

Walking through

Broken glass

With

Bare feet:

" _Do you think_

 _You might_

 _Be_

 _Open_

 _To_

 _The idea?_

 _I was_

 _Thinking_

 _It might_

 _Help_

 _To talk_

 _To someone_

 _Neutral_

 _Someone_

 _Who didn't know Jeff_

 _Who can be_

 _Totally unbiased_

 _And knows_

 _How to help_

 _People_

 _Who have_

 _been through_

 _The same thing."_

.

There's metal

In Layla's

Mouth:

" _You want me_

 _To see_

 _A shrink."_

.

" _I want to do_

 _Whatever I can_

 _To support you_

 _Through this,"_

Rayna tells her

" _Honey,_

 _I know_

 _You've been_

 _having_

 _Such a hard time -"_

.

" _A hard time?"_

.

Layla's voice

Saws through

The restaurant

.

" _My boyfriend_

 _Committed_

 _Suicide!_

 _I wasn't allowed_

 _To go to the funeral_

 _To know where he's buried_

 _To take anything of his_

 _To keep –_

 _I have_

 _Nothing!"_

.

People

Are

Staring

.

She doesn't

Remember

Standing up

But

She's shaking

So hard

She can

Barely

Stay

On her feet

.

" _You_

 _Can't_

 _Do_

 _Anything_

 _For_

 _Me._

 _Nobody_

 _Can."_

.

Rayna

Just shakes

Her head:

" _Please_

 _Layla_

 _Don't_

 _Go –"_

.

Layla flees

From

The compassion

In her eyes.

 **VI.**

Outside

The wind

Goes from

Rage

To

Stillness

So complete

It's violent

.

It smells like

Old snow

She remembers it

From when

She was little

Back in

Connecticut

.

It's the kind

Of snow

That clumped

In slushy piles

In the yard

Every winter

Long after

The snow

Stopped

Falling

.

Those clumps

Were

Always

Dirty

Covered in

Dirt

Soot

Mud

And

Took

Forever

To melt

.

When she was

Little

They made

Her feel

Like

Winter

Would

Never

Leave

.

Like

She would

Never

See

The sun

Again

.

Something

May have been

Enough

.

" _You_

 _Shouldn't_

 _Have_

 _To_

 _Try_

 _To love_

 _Someone."_

.

Was that

The beginning

Of

The end?

.

The cold

That froze him

Over?

.

" _I couldn't_

 _Lose you_

 _Layla_

 _I can't."_

.

He was afraid

She'd leave him

.

Maybe

He never

Believed

She loved him

.

Maybe

He never

Believed

She wanted

To trust him

.

Never believed

Someday

She'd let go

Of the doubt

That refused

To melt

After Will

Broke her heart

.

Maybe

He never

Believed

She'd let

The sun

Make her

Feel warm

Again

.

Did he

Believe it

On that

Roof?

.

Her throat

Aches

It's too tight

To

 _._

 _Breathe_

.

For a minute

She wonders

If

The cracking noise

She hears

Is

Only

In her

Head

.

Or whatever

Just broke

Inside her

Is

Loud enough

For

The whole

City

To hear

 **VII.**

She doesn't

Remember

The actual

Conversation

.

Not after:

" _Mr. Fordham_

 _Passed away_

 _Last night."_

.

She remembers

Everything

Leading up

To

The moment

The detectives

Knocked

On her

Door:

.

The weight

Of the

Hotel bathrobe

Against

Her skin

.

The taste

Of the

Strawberry breakfast bar

She was eating

.

The sound

Of the A/C

Whirring underneath

The window curtains

.

She remembers

Checking

Her emails

Scrolling through

Her Twitter mentions

Brushing

Her teeth

Blow-drying

Her hair

.

When the detectives

Came to

Her room

She can't

Remember

If she sat

On the bed

Because

They told her to

Or because

It's what

They always did

In movies

.

It didn't

Hit

Her

Completely

.

Not when

She left

The hotel

.

Not when

She dialed

Rayna's number

Realizing

She had

Nobody else

To call

.

Not when

Luke's driver

Picked her up

And drove her

To the jet

While Luke

And his son

Looked

Everywhere

Except

At her

.

Not when

They landed

And she saw

Will

Waiting

To drive her

Home

.

Not when

He put

His arms

Around her

Stroking her hair

Like he used to

When they were

Together

.

" _I'm so sorry"_

He whispered

" _I don't know_

 _What to say."_

.

Then

It

Hit

 _._

 _He's_

 _Dead_

 _He's_

 _Dead_

 _He's_

 _deadhesdeadhesdeadhesdeadhesdeadhesdeadhesdeadhesdeadhesdeadhesdeadhesdead_

.

She didn't know

She was saying it

Out loud

.

Not until

Will said:

" _I know._

 _I'm sorry._

 _I can't_

 _Believe it_

 _Either."_

 **VIII.**

She finds

The necklace

At the

Bottom

Of her

Suitcase

From

Atlanta

When she

Finally

Unpacks it

.

She wants

To burn

The outfits

She was

Wearing

That

Entire

Day

And

Night

.

She grabs

The clothes

About

To throw

Them

In the

Trash

With the

Coffee grounds

And

Rotting take-out

When

She sees

It

.

The

Velvet

Box

.

He

Must have

Slipped it

Into

Her things

When

She wasn't

Looking

.

She opens it

And finds

The

Necklace

.

Encrusted

With

Diamonds

Glittering

Like a

Promise

.

It

Must have

Cost

A small

Fortune

.

" _He_

 _Was_

 _In_

 _A_

 _Lot_

 _Of_

 _Debt."_

.

Why bother

Saving money

For debts

You never intend

To pay off?

.

Why not

Spend it

On something

Beautiful?

.

The thought

Leaps

Into

Her mind

So suddenly

.

She throws

The box

Across

The room

.

It's like

Blood

On her

Hands

.

It thumps

Against

The wall

Staring

At her

From

Its spot

On

The carpet

Was this

.

His way

Of

Saying

Goodbye?

.

An "I'm sorry"?

An "I love you"?

.

A parting gift?

.

She has

To wait

Until

Her hands

Stop

Shaking

Before

She picks

It up

And

Hides it

In the

Closet

In the

Spare bedroom

Filled with

Junk

No one uses

And

Won't

Throw away

.

She opens

The door

Hurls

The velvet box

Inside

Slams it

Like she's

Hiding

From

A monster

.

In her

Suitcase

A note

Slipped out

Along

With

The box

 _._

 _(!suicidenotesuicidenotesuicidenote!)_

.

She can't

 _(!suicidenotesuicidenotesuicidenote!)_

 _('What Jeff did wasn't rational.")_

 _(He wouldn't have left me.")_

.

Touch

 _("We were happy.")_

 _("Wake me up.")_

 _("He wouldn't –")_

.

The

Envelope

.

She didn't

Think

It was

Possible

To fall

Any

Further

Than

The distance

From

" _Wake me up"_

To

The knocking

On her door

.

Her legs

Fall

From

Under

Her

.

She was

Wrong

.

She'll

Keep

Falling

.

Who knows

If she'll

Ever

Hit

The

Ground.

 **IX.**

Her chest

Is

Crushed

She can't

Get

Any

Air

.

Dizziness

Rolls

Through

Her

In waves

That

Swallow

Her

Up

And

 _Crunchcrunchcrunch_

Spit

Her

Back

Out

.

There's

Nothing

In her

Stomach

But

Somehow

She finds

Something

To empty

Into

The toilet bowl

Hands slipping

Against

The porcelain

Her head

Searing

With pain

So heavy

She can't

Open

Her

Eyes

.

Again

Again

Again

.

The stench

Makes her

Sick

.

And

Again

.

Until

She lies

Gasping

On the

Floor

Like

A dying fish

.

The only

Thing

She can do

Is

Lie there

Covered in

Puke

And

Snot

And

Tears

Waiting to

Breathe

Or

Suffocate

.

Whichever

Comes

First.


	3. Chapter 3

**I.**

A few

Weeks ago

There was

Still

Green

On the

Trees

.

The sky

Bright

As a

Smile

.

The sun

Warm

On her

Shoulders

.

The days

Spicy

With the

Season

.

Now

It's

Gone

.

Cold

And

Cutting

As

Dashed

Hope

.

It

Has

Almost

Been

One

Month

.

One

Whole

Fucking

Month

Of

Her

Whole

Fucking

Life

.

Except

Technically

There are

Two days

That mark

The time

.

Because

She

Still

Doesn't know

The actual

Day

He died

.

The night

Of the party

Or the

Midnight

Morning after

.

She has to

Live with

Two days

Of knowing

Exactly

How long

It has been

Without

Him

.

Why

Does it

Feel

Like

Any second

He's going

To

Come around

The corner

Scowling

At her

Saying

She needs

To act

Less like

Ditzy tabloid fodder

And more like

An acoustic indie staple

.

How is

Anyone

Supposed

To take her

Seriously

Otherwise?

.

Like he

Said

A million times:

"The name

Of the game

Is

Re-branding."

.

When

Is this feeling

Going to go

Away?

.

Does

She

Want

It

To?

.

Each time

She believes

For a

Heartbeat

.

He's still

Here

And

The hurt

Always

Feels

Brand new

.

Her bangs

Are growing

Back in

Getting closer

To the hairstyle

She had

Last year

.

Her hair

Is almost

Past her

Shoulders

.

She tries

Pulling it back

And

Realizes

.

Jeff

Will never

See her

Like this

.

He will

Never

See

This hairstyle

.

Or any other

.

Just like

He'll never see

The songs she's written

The album she's finishing

The career she'll have

Now

.

She is

Becoming

Someone

He will never

Know

.

(Would

He still

Love her

If he did?)

.

Is she

Going to

Become

Pieces

He'd never

Be able

To put

Together?

.

Then

It hits her

.

She

Already

Is.

 **II.**

The night of

Her Opry debut

They

Needed

Each other

Too greedily

To be

Careful

.

He was

Urgent

And

She missed

The thrill

Of

Being needed

So

Wildly

.

He was

Far gone

And

She wanted him

To stay

That way

Sinking

As far

Into

Each other

As

They

Could

With

Nothing

In between

Them

.

When they

Were

Done

Neither

Of them

Had any

Regrets

Or

Afterthoughts

.

Now

She leans

Over

The toilet

Her stomach

Turning

Her lungs

Ripped out

Of her chest

The empty chamber

Of her insides

Lit on fire

.

The

Entire world

Spins

She vomits

Again

Falling

To the floor

Cheek pressed

To dirty bathroom tiles

Every gag

Like a jolt

Straight

To her

Heart.

 **III.**

November

Is wet

.

It rains

Almost

Every

Day

And

Night

.

Headstone-colored

Clouds

Glide across

The city

.

Every store

Has

Jingle bells

Candy canes

Red bows

White lights

Wreaths

Garland

"Deck The Halls"

And

"Jingle Bells"

.

Every

Target

And

Walgreens

Tells her

To have herself

A Merry Little Christmas

.

Jade

Calls

Again:

.

"Layla

I know

You never

Returned

My last

Call

But

Since

Today

Is

Jeff's

Birthday

I thought

Maybe

You

Might

Want

To

Talk."

.

Her heartbeat

Is so

Loud

Or maybe

That's the

Roaring

Inside

Her head

.

"I

Couldn't

Stop

Thinking

About

Him

Today

And

I can't

Imagine

How hard

This is

For

You

So

If you want

Call me

I'm in

Beverly Hills

Right now

So the

Time zones

Will be

Wacky

But

I mean it

Layla

Call

Anytime."

.

End

Of

Voicemail

.

The bomb

Inside her

Is

Clawing

Away

At her

Insides

.

If it

Goes off

It will

Blow

The

Walls

Apart

.

"Today

Is

Jeff's

Birthday."

.

She texts

Will

It's

Almost

Midnight

But

He picks up

After

One ring

.

"I'm coming over"

And he's there

Like magic

.

He puts his arms

Around her

But she

Can't take it

.

"I don't know

What day

He died –"

.

Will looks

At her

Like

She belongs

In a padded room

Drooling in a

Straitjacket

.

Maybe

She

Does

.

"Layla

I know

It's

Hard–"

.

"No –

I don't know

What time

He died.

Was it

The last night

I saw him?

Or

Was it

Already

The next day?"

.

Will puts

His hands

On her shoulders

He looks

So exhausted:

"I don't think

It matters much..."

.

She pushes him

Away:

"It does to me.

I don't know

The day

He died.

I don't know

When he decided

He couldn't do it:

Be CEO.

Live with me.

Love me.

I don't know

And

Nobody

Can

Tell

Me!"

.

Tears drown

Her words:

"I don't have

Anything of his –

Even

A day

On the calendar."

.

Will

Puts his arms

Around her

.

This time

She collapses

Into them

Instead of

Pulling away.

 **IV.**

When

She can't

Sleep

She

Writes

.

Blank spaces

Screaming

For words

When

Her head

Screams

For silence

And

Her mouth

Can't scream

At all

.

Songs

Tap

At her

Brain

Like

Fists

Rapping

On her door

.

Ink

Pours out

Of her

Dashes

And

Lines

So

Fast

They can't

Keep up

With her

Thoughts

.

They beat

From

Her footsteps

In the places

He'd been

.

From

The seams

Of the bed

They shared

From

Her bones

That ache

With

Electricity

Because

She has him

There

.

His number

Is still

In her

Phone

.

She changed

The ringer

So her heart

Would stop

Leaping

Every time

The phone

Rang

And

It wasn't

Him

.

It

Didn't

Work

.

On nights

She can't

Fight

The image

Of him

Flinging through

A sequenced city night

She reads

Old text messages

And

Listens to

Old voicemails

.

Every time

She's more

Surprised

At how little

She remembers

His voice

.

(Or maybe

Everything

Sounds

Different

Through

The haze

Of bourbon)

.

Sometimes

All she does

Is sit

And

Stare

At the page

And

Can't

Think

Of

Anything

To say

Except

.

I miss you

So

Much

.

Those

Five

Words

.

Over

And

Over

And

Over

And

Over

And

Over

.

It feels like

She's serving

A life sentence

For

A crime

She didn't

Commit.

 **V.**

When she

Wakes up

To

Freezing sunshine

Dancing across

Her body

It makes her

Pull the covers

Over her head

.

Ambien

Beckons

From the

Medicine cabinet

But

She pushes herself

To the

Dishes

Laundry

Dust

That has

Piled up

.

She can't

Remember

The last time

She tried

To make anything

Look

Like it

Used to

.

There isn't

Any food

In her

Cupboards

She can't

Remember

Her last trip

To the

Grocery store

.

The fridge

Is almost

Empty

As well

And a smell

Like spoiled tuna

Assaults her

Head-on

Making her

Gag

.

She can't

Imagine

What it is

That smells

Like

Something

Died

In here

.

For some

Reason

That thought

Makes her

Smile

.

It's

Perverse

But

A few

Giggles

Escape her

.

Then more

Then more

Then more

Then more

.

Maybe

She really

Does

Need

A straitjacket

.

She reaches

Into the fridge

Pulls out

The first thing

She can reach

.

A small can

Of energy drink

.

The kind

Jeff liked

.

Who knows

How long

It's been

Sitting here

Waiting

For him

To come back

.

She stares

At the

Red label

While a movie

Replays

In her head:

.

Jeff

Pushing her

Against the

Bed frame

Hands

Around her waist

Lips

On her neck

As he lifts her

On the mattress

His shirt comes

Over his head

Her own

Comes off

And

He smirks

Too smug

So

She takes off

His belt

Hands moving

Down

She wants

To wipe

That look

Off his face

.

Scene shifts

They eat

Pad Thai

On the couch

While

He discusses

Branding strategies

.

Scene shifts

He tells her

She looks

Like a

Twenty-dollar hooker

In that dress

Three minutes later

The dress

Slips off

And

They're

On the couch

His head

Sliding

Between her legs

His warm mouth

Wanting

All of her

.

Scene shifts

Again

He's at

Her door:

He's

Not good

At

Intimacy

But

He wants

To try

.

Scene shifts

"Rising tides

Raise

All ships."

He gives her

The boots

And

She doesn't

Think

She can

Adore

Him

More

.

"I'm glad

You're home."

.

Back to

Now

.

She

Looks

Up

.

The sunlight

Is in

A different place

On her floor

.

Time

Melted

Around her

While

She got lost

In the

Past

.

She limps

Back to bed

Sets the

Energy drink

On the

Nightstand

Next to

The side

Of the

Bed

Where he

Slept

.

Fuck fuck fuck

.

Everything

Is

Fucked.

 **VI.**

When she

Woke up

In the hospital

After

Jeff's party

She remembers

The nurse

Saying she was

Lucky

.

"Your body

Fights

Drowning

It's a

Natural reflex."

.

Layla didn't

Feel lucky

She just knew

She'd failed

.

She hadn't

Gone

To the party

Wanting

To die

.

She can't

Remember

Ever

Wanting to die

Before

Seeing Will

With that woman

.

She didn't

Make any plans

She didn't

Write a note

She didn't

Fantasize about it

She didn't

Think about it

At all

.

Not

Before

She opened

That bedroom door

.

Was he thinking

About it

When she made

Her Opry debut?

.

Was he thinking

About it

When he said

He wouldn't

Let Rayna

Forget her

Just because

She signed

Markus Kane?

.

Was he thinking

About it

When Luke

Made him

CEO?

.

Did he think

About

Not doing it?

.

Did he think

Anything?

.

What was

His moment

Of

Opening

That bedroom door?

.

When did he

Make his

Choice?

.

When

Did

Everything

Get

So

Bad?

.

Her body

Is still

Alive

Today

Because

It fought

What she tried

To do

To herself

.

She doesn't

Think

It was

The same

For Jeff

.

Maybe

For him

There was

Never

A choice

 **VII.**

One day

She calls

Will

In a

Panic

Convinced

He's

Dead

His truck

Overturned

In a ditch

On some

Country backroad

With

No streetlights

No traffic

And no people

For miles

.

Mangled

Beyond recognition

On some

Desolate stretch

Of I-40

Metal and body

Blood and bone

Fused together

Until

They can't

Separate

Man

From

Machine

.

Burning

Like a wildfire

While he's

Trapped

Inside

The flames

Getting closer

To the

Gasoline tank

Just moments

From an

Explosion

.

She calls him

And

He asks her

To repeat herself

Four times

Before

He understands her

And

Can answer

Her questions

.

He's

Fine

.

He's

At the bank

.

His truck

Is sitting

In the

Parking lot

Very much

Not twisted

Not overturned

Not on fire

.

She's crying

Unable to tell

If it's from

Relief

Or

Fear

.

Will says

He's coming over

Right now

.

She

Screams

.

NONONONONONONONONO

.

Her hands

Shaking

So badly

She drops

The phone

.

NONONONONONONONONO

.

What if

He gets

Into

An accident?

.

What if

Her idea

Becomes

Real?

.

Will sounds

Like he's

About to call

The crazy police

And have her

Locked up

In some

Padded room

Where they

Throw away

The key

.

Right now

Another stay

In the

Psyche ward

.

At least there

She'll be

Allowed

To stay

In bed

With sheets

Someone else

Will change

Every day

And

She'll be

Too drugged

To

Dream

Remember

Or

Think

.

Maybe this time

They won't

Let her out

Maybe this time

They'll just

Tell her

She's too crazy

And

Throw away

The key

.

He tells her

He won't

Crash

.

The drive

To her place

Is only

Ten minutes

From the bank

And

He'll stay

On the phone

With her

The entire time

.

He's still

On the phone

When he parks

In her

Driveway

.

She opens

The front door

And throws

Her arms

Around him

Shaking

So badly

He has to

Hold her

Up

.

It's somehow

A miracle

He's here

In one piece

.

He runs

His hands

Down her back

And

Strokes her hair

Asking:

"Why

Were you

So upset?"

.

She

Knew

Something

Was

Wrong

.

The feeling

Was

So

Strong

Just

Like

A

Knife

Through

Her

Gut

.

She was

So sure

It was

True

.

It had

To be

.

She knows

Now:

"Horrible things

Happen

All the time

For no reason."

.

He stares

At her

With

Disbelief

.

"Well

Look at me.

Clearly

I'm fine.

No need

To panic.

Everything's

All right

Now."

.

But

It won't

Always

Be

.

She tells

Him that

And

He frowns

.

"Layla

I promise you

I'm okay.

Everything

Is

Gonna

Be

All right."

.

She pushes him

Away from her

Pacing the room:

"You can't

Say that

To me.

You can't

Promise

Anything!

Everything

Changes

When you

Never

See it

Coming!"

.

Will's face

Is so

Sad

.

He reaches

For her

Slowly

Like he's

Afraid

She'll bite

.

"Layla

What happened

To Jeff…"

.

She whirls around

And

Slaps him

So hard

Her hand aches

.

"He killed himself!

He left me

And

He

Jumped off

A fucking building!"

.

She

Can't

Breathe

.

"Why

Would

He

Do

That

To

Me?

Why

Did

He

Want

To

Leave?

WHAT

DID

I

DO

WRONG?"

.

Will

Keeps reaching

For her

Looking like

He might

Cry:

"Layla

You can't

Ask

Those questions –

It's just

Torturing

Yourself… "

.

She cuts

him off

.

"That's

All

I

Do

Is

Ask

Questions!

I

Can't

Do

Anything

Else!

He

Broke

Up

With

Me

By

KILLING

HIMSELF!

I'm

Never

Gonna

Be

Okay

Again!

Nothing

Will

Ever

Be

Okay!

HE'S

DEAD!"

.

(!Falsehopewakemeuppeoplemaskdepressionfeelinglikethatrationalsuicidevacatehappywere!)

.

Somehow

She's on

The ground

And

Will's arms

Are holding her

One hand

On her chest

The other

Gripping her fingers

So hard

They might

Break

.

His eyes

Are

Wide

And

Terrified

As he

Tells her

To

.

Take a breath

Slowly

In and out

.

She

Can't

.

"Shhh, shhhh

Come on

Layla

Come on

Take a

Deep breath

Shhhh, shhhhh."

.

She stops

Fighting

Stops

Screaming

Stops

Moving

Just stares

At the ceiling

Holding his hand

.

He shushes her

Holding her

On the ground

And

Won't let go

Of her hand

.

She's

Freezing

All over

Except

Where his

Fingers

Close

Over hers

.

"Shhhhh, Shhhhh

Breathe

Layla

Shhhh, Shhhh."

.

He whispers

To her

Until

Her chest

Can match

The movements

Of his

.

In and out

In and out

.

Deep

Steady

Slow

.

They sit

On the floor

Arms

Wrapped around

Each other

.

He strokes

Her hair

Murmuring words

In her ears

Soft as a

Lullaby

.

She holds

Onto his neck

And

Cries

Until

She thinks

She's been turned

Inside

Out

.

He brushes

Her forehead

So gently

And tells her:

"You

Didn't do

Anything.

It's

Not

Your

Fault."

.

She whispers

In his ear:

"You

Can't

Know

That."


	4. Chapter 4

**I.**

One

.

Month.

 **II.**

She

Opens

Her eyes

Sees

The sun

Through

The blinds

The numbers

Blinking

On her clock

While

The radio

Plays a

Miranda Lambert

Song

.

She

Throws

The clock

Against

The wall

.

Closes

Her

Eyes

.

Getting

Out of

Bed

Has

Too many

Horrors

Today

.

The heavy-bottomed glass

He used

To drink

Scotch

.

The black coffee cup

With the

Tennessee state flag

He drank from

.

Glenn Goodman's

Card

In a compartment

Of her

Purse

.

The box

Of condoms

They kept

In the drawer

By his side

Of the bed

Half-used

.

Will

Texts her

And offers

To stay

The night

.

She tells him

No

.

But

When she

Texts him

At

1:13 AM

Feeling like

The world

Won't stop

Spinning

He answers

On the

First ring

Like he was

Expecting

Her call

And says

He'll be there

In five minutes

.

Sleep

Won't come

Tonight

.

Maybe

There will be

Nightmares

.

But maybe

Her head

Will be

As dark

As the sky

.

No moon

No stars

No clouds

.

Just

Blackness

.

Dark enough

To

Fall through

And

Never

Hit

Bottom.

 **III.**

It's Tuesday

And she

Can't stand

Looking

At the

Dryer

.

She can't

Keep food

Down

Has puked

Twice

.

Two hours

Of

Sleep

.

Instead of

Sleeping

She remembers

.

She remembers

Taking the pills

Downing them

With her drink

The numbness

Flooding her

Like warm honey

.

She remembers

How it felt

To look

At the

Pulsing light

Of the water

And

Feel like

It could

Take her

Someplace

Warm

.

But mostly

She remembers

How

Everything

Stopped

.

After

Seeing Will

With that

Woman

She

Felt like

She would

Burst

Into

Flames

.

But

The pills

The booze

The water

.

It took

All her pain

Away

.

And

It was

Easier

Than

Taking a breath

.

She remembers

And

She wonders

.

If she

Had been

On that

Roof

Could she have

Saved him?

.

Or

Would he

Have jumped

To get away

From her?

.

Did he

Feel

Anything

The moment

He stepped off

That ledge?

.

Or

Was the

Hurt

Inside him

Too much?

.

Was he

Too numb?

.

Did he

Think

The impact

Of bone

To

Earth

Was all

That could

Help?

.

What

Was

So

Terrible

He thought

Nothing

Could

Change

It?

.

She wonders

Then

Realizes

.

It's useless

.

She'll never

Find

The answers

Even if

She turned over

Every inch

Of the

World

Looking

For

One.

 **IV.**

In her

Dreams

And

Nightmares

His face

Doesn't look like

His face

.

He has

The shadow

Of what

Will happen

Written

All over him

Instead of

The features

She knows

.

(Knew)

.

Maybe

This means

She's lost him

Completely

Even

In

Her

Memories.

 **V.**

Will

Texts her

One afternoon

And

Invites her

To his place

For Thanksgiving

.

His roommates

Will be

Out of state

And

He doesn't

Feel like

Being alone

On a big

Family holiday

.

She tells him

She'll think

About it

.

She's not sure

She wants

To spend

Thanksgiving

Alone

Either

But

The thought of

Having some

Cozy dinner

With her

Ex-husband

Seems too

Weird

.

Even for her

.

Rayna

Also invited her

To have

Thanksgiving dinner

With her

Deacon

Her two daughters

And

Scarlett O'Connor

.

Layla remembers

Going to

Rayna's

The afternoon

They talked

About

Her album

And

Wrote

That song

.

It feels

So

Long

Ago

Now

.

Like

A

Completely

Different

Lifetime

.

She remembers

The framed pictures

Of her

And

Deacon

.

The love

In their eyes

The devotion

In their expressions

The forever

Between them

.

It was all

So real

You could

See it

Shining

Through

The

Photographs

.

There's

A wedding

Planned

In the spring

.

A diamond

On Rayna's

Finger

.

A smile

That she

Can't quite mask

.

And why

Should she?

.

They waited

Twenty years

To finally

Be together

And now

Their dream

Is

Reality

.

Together

Forever

.

The greatest

Love story

In country music

About to

Come true

.

Rayna

Has had

Half her life

With

The man

She loves

.

It will

Take Layla

Only

Eight months

Until

The time

Without Jeff

Becomes

More than

The time

With Jeff

.

She shouldn't

Be making

Plans

To enjoy herself

Or

Spend time

With people

She cares about

Especially

For the holidays

.

It would be

Just like

Doing

What Juliette said

.

Forget

About Jeff

Forget

They ever happened

Forget

And move on

.

Because

He's gone

And

He's never

Coming back

.

She can't

Forget

She won't

Forget

She'll never

Forget

.

Even if

She's the

Only one

Who cares

Enough

To remember

.

She

Doesn't

Even

Have

One

Year

Of

Him

.

Rayna

Will spend

The day

Thankful

For the

Beautiful dream

She and Deacon

Are about

To live out

.

Will's roommates

Will be

With their own

Families

Surrounded by love

.

Layla supposes

Juliette

Is spending

The day

With her

Loving husband

And

Brand new baby

.

The picture-perfect

Family

All smiling

For the

Cameras

.

Juliette

And her

Family

All so

Happy

.

She balls

Her fists

Into her

Hands

So tightly

They leave

Dents

In her

Palms

.

Hatred

So acidic

And

Powerful

Shoots through her

Stronger

Than any drug

Or

Any tossed-back shot

Could make her

.

.

No one

Will ever

Know

How much

Layla wishes

Juliette

Would feel

An ounce

Of what

She feels

Every second

Of

Every day

.

The person

She loved most

The person

Who loved her most

The person

She was planning

The future with

Is gone

Forever

.

She's

Alone

While

Everyone else

Gets to be

With

The people

They love

And

Hold them

Close

.

She hasn't

Felt

This much

Venom

Coursing through her

Since

The day

She stood

On that hillside

And

Told Will

She hated him

.

She forgot

How powerful

It was

.

How strong

It could

Be

.

How it could

Make her

Feel

.

Invincible

Unstoppable

Capable of

Anything.

 **VI.**

When she was

With Will

She told him

Everything

Because

She felt

Like

She could

.

She thought

It was

Amazing

There was

Someone

She could

Tell

Everything

To

No matter

How small

They could be

Boring

Important

Random

As robot tones

But

They were

Hers

To tell

Him

.

There was

Never

A time

Before

He came out

She believed

It would

End

.

There was

Never

A moment

She told him

Something

And

Thought:

" _You should_

 _Remember_

 _This_

 _Moment_

 _One day_

 _Soon_

 _It will_

 _All_

 _Be_

 _Over_."

.

It wasn't

Like that

With Jeff

.

They didn't

Tell each other

Everything

.

She kept

Her secrets

And

He kept

His

.

They

Didn't

Trust

Each other

And

Trusted

Themselves

Even less

.

They

Were

Both

Damaged

Both

Broken

Both

Messed-up

.

But

She thought

That's

What made

Them

Work

.

They were

Two

Messed-up

People

Who were

Messed-up

The same ways

.

They didn't

Turn out

Their pockets

Or

Open up

Their hearts

Or

Take down

Their guards

.

She thought

They knew

Each other's

Sins

Mistakes

Flaws

Hatreds

Jealousies

Lies

Fears

.

She thought

They fit

Because

His damages

Were the same

Size

And

Shape

As

Her own

.

She thought

She understood

.

She

Should

Have

Seen

Him

As

Clearly

Honestly

Powerfully

As

He

Saw

Her .

 **VII.**

She'd love

Nothing more

Than

To stay

In bed

Until

The new millennium

.

But

She smells

.

She can't

Remember

The last time

She

Took a shower

Or

Brushed her teeth

Or

Combed her hair

Or

Changed her underwear

.

She's

Too rank

To ignore it

Anymore

.

She hasn't

Gotten

Out of bed

Since

The One-Month Marker

.

How long

Ago

Was that?

.

A few

Days?

.

A few

Weeks?

.

No clue

.

She climbs

Out of

Bed

And

Topples

To the

Floor

Her legs

Too weak

To stand

.

She lies

There

In a heap

On the

Floor

Swimming

In her own

Stink

And

Staring

Up at the

Ceiling

.

She's trying

To pull

The comforter

To the floor

On top

Of her

When

She finds its

.

The letter

.

The one

That came

With

The necklace

Jeff gave her

.

 _(!suicidenotesuicidenotesuicidenote!)_

.

The room

Greys

Around

The

Edges

She

Stares

At

The envelope

.

One month

Ago

She would have

Followed him

Off that

Building

If

It meant

She'd find

Some sort of

Answer

.

Now

She has

The closest

She'll ever get

.

The

Paper

Crumples

And

Curls

In her

Fist

From

The sweat

Of

Her palm

.

She

Uncurls

Her

Fingers

One

By

One

And

Stares

.

She wanted

Some sort of

Answer

Explanation

Apology

So badly

And

It was

Sitting

Under her bed

All this time

.

Patient

Present

Lurking

As

Grief

.

She

Can't.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Remember when I said this would have five parts? Well, don't listen to me. I'm full of shit. It actually has seven parts.**

 **I.**

Her first day

Back

In the studio

Is

Just as bad

As she imagined

.

Only

A thousand times

Worse

.

Whispers

Crawl from

Every crevice

.

Conversations

Fall apart

When she

Walks by

.

Eyes stare

Curiously

When she

Enters a room

.

Some have

Pity

In their eyes

And

That makes her

Angriest

Of all

.

The harder

Everyone tries

To look

Away

The more

Obvious

It is

That they're

Staring

.

She's used

To eyes

On her

.

 _American Hitmaker_

Juliette's tour

The reality show

.

But

She's not

Used to

The morbid fascination

.

And anyway

The reality show

Was

So long ago

.

Who

Cares about

Robot tones?

.

Who

Cares about

Fake rap videos?

.

Who

Cares about

Internet memes

And

Late-night talk show skits

And

People asking

If she'd need help

Opening that can

Of spaghetti sauce?

.

She thinks

About it

And

Honestly

Can't believe

Why it all

Made her

So

Upset

Why it all

Mattered.

 **II.**

Rayna calls

Again

To see

How she's

Doing

.

(Do you

Really

Want me

To answer

That?)

.

She tells Layla

She's happy

To see her

In the studio

But

She doesn't need

To make it

A priority

If she's

Still

Not feeling

Up to it

.

('Up to it' –

The phrase

Strikes her

As

The weirdest way

To ask someone

If they're

Over

Their boyfriend

Killing himself)

.

No pressure

For her

To finish

The album

And release it

Right away

.

Layla

Can take

As much

Time

As she

Needs

.

Bucky called

The day after

Luke's concert tribute

And said

The same thing:

She didn't

Need to

Rush

Back to work

They were

Bumping up

The release date

For Markus's album

And

Pushing her's back

Indefinitely

.

That way

She'd have

Time

To

Recover

.

That was

The word

He used:

" _Recover"_

.

Like she

Had the flu

Like she

Broke her leg

Like she

Just had surgery

.

" _Recover."_

 **III.**

Jade

Calls

Again

.

Layla's busy

Writing a song

And

Lets the call

Go straight

To

Voicemail

.

When the

Notification

Blinks

She

Deletes

Jade's message

Without

Listening

.

As her finger

Hits 'DELETE'

Layla thinks

Of all

The words

She said

To Jeff

.

The words

She didn't

.

The words

People

Don't say

After

Someone dies

.

The ones

That can

Cut you

Open

And

Bleed you

Dry

.

It

All

Goes

Through

Her

.

This

Is the

Music

She knows

Now

.

The morning

She woke up

And

Couldn't remember

His usual Starbucks order

.

The day

She forgot

Where he went

For his undergrad

.

The shape

Of his

Handwriting

.

The scent

Of his

Clothes

.

His favorite brand

Of whiskey

.

She's become

Someone

Unable

To remember

The taste

Of his name

In her mouth

Slipping

From her tongue

To his.

 **IV.**

" _Are you_

 _Playing_

 _Winterville_

 _Nashfest?"_

.

She

Freezes

.

He ordered

Take-out

From

Hattie B's

Trying

To tempt her

Into

Eating

Real food

For

The first time

In

Weeks

.

She appreciates

The effort

But

Isn't sure

If she'll

Be able

To

Keep it down

.

Lately

She's felt

.

So

Nauseous

.

So

Tired

.

(And

Almost

Three

Weeks

Late)

.

(She's

Never

Been

Late)

.

But

She

Tells herself

A few bites

So

Will stops

Looking at her

Like

She's

Two seconds away

From

Throwing herself

Into

The Cumberland River

.

 _Winterville_

 _Nashfest_

.

He sees

The look

That must be

On her face

And

She sees

The worry

On his:

" _You_

 _Okay?"_

.

She makes

Her throat

Unstick:

" _Yeah_

 _Fine."_

.

He doesn't

Look like

He believes

Her

But

She doesn't

Want

To tell him

What

She's

Thinking –

.

Joni Mitchell

Old dreams

Songs that mattered

Sharing a cab

Second chances

.

Hands

At her

Braid:

" _Nice_

 _Pigtails."_

Smirking

And they

Had sex

Twice

On top

Of the

Covers

Of his

Bed

.

"Write down

All the

Bad

Put it

In a

Book

And

Read it

Every day

Like a

Good girl

Should"

.

That

Night

.

Their

First

Kiss

.

Their

First

Time

.

Their

First

Everything

.

Will

Is calling

Her name

Like

He's been

Trying

To get

Her

Attention

For

A while:

" _What's_

 _Wrong?"_

.

She makes

Herself

Take a bite

Of

Her food

.

It slides

Down

Her throat

And

Lodges

In the pit

Of her

Stomach

Where

She swears

She can

Feel it

Flip-flopping

Already

Preparing

To come

Back up:

" _Nothing_

 _What was that_

 _About_

 _Winterville_

 _Nashfest?"_

.

She

Almost

Chokes

On

The

Words

.

Will

Is

Watching her

With that

Look

In his eyes

The one

That lines

His face

With worry:

" _It's just_

 _I heard_

 _Markus Keen_

 _Is playing_

 _The mainstage_

 _And_

 _Rayna's girls_

 _Are doing_

 _A set_

 _Too._

 _I wondered_

 _If she_

 _Had you_

 _On the bill."_

.

She shakes

Her head

So hard

Her ponytail

Smacks

Her cheek:

" _No_

 _Rayna_

 _Didn't_

 _Ask_

 _Me_

 _To play."_

.

She tries

To busy

Herself

Wiping

Grease

Off her hands:

" _Do you know_

 _What day_

 _It is?_

 _The_

 _Festival?"_

.

Will nods:

" _Yeah._

 _December fifth_

 _The Saturday_

 _After_

 _Thanksgiving."_

.

Only

Two

Weeks

Away

.

After

A while

Will notices

She set

Her dinner

Down

And

Hasn't

Taken

Another

Bite:

" _You done?_

 _You barely touched_

 _Your food."_

.

She's glad

She's sitting

Right now

She doesn't

Trust

Her legs

For

Support:

" _Yeah_

 _I'm_

 _Not_

 _Hungry_

 _Anymore."_

 **VI.**

The letter

Is in

Her

Sweating

Shaking

Hands

.

She couldn't

Do it

When

She found

The envelope

.

But

Now

.

She

Needs

To

Know

.

It seems

To take

All

Night

To open

The envelope

And

Pull out

A small white card

 _._

 _(!suicidenotesuicidenotesuicidenote!)_

.

And

Something

Else

.

Something

Small

And

Metal

.

A

Key

.

She turns

It over

In her palm

Stares

At the ridges

Holds

The small chain

It's looped around

.

He

Gave

Her

The

Key

To

His

House

.

The

Letter

Is still

Clenched

In her

Fist

.

Her fingers

Feel like

They'll break

As

She opens

Them

.

One

By

One

.

" _For the future"_

.

That's

It

.

That's

All

It

Says

.

Three

Words

Written

In

His

Scrawl

.

(She'd

Forgotten

The

Way

He

Shaped

His

Letters)

.

(Forgotten

The

Way

His

Writing

Swooped

And

Swirled)

.

She's

On the

Ground

.

The card

Crumpled

.

The metal

Of the

Key

Warm

In her

Shaking

Hand

.

Was this

A part

Of some

Plan?

.

Did he

Know

His family

Would

Shut her

Out?

.

Was this

His way

Of

Giving her

A way

In?

.

Or

Was

This

Something

Else?

.

She sits

On the

Floor

Clutching

The note

And

The key

Until

The words

Melt

Off the page

And

The metal

Is

Too slick

To hold

.

She didn't

Realize

How strongly

She believed

This note

Would

Give her

The answers

.

Instead

It just

Gave her

More

Questions

And

Disappointment

Strong as

Gravity.


	6. Chapter 6

**I.**

The house

Has

A

Padlock

On

The

Front

Door

And

A

For Sale

Sign

In the

Yard

.

She

Stares

At the

Lock

For so

Long

Letting

The disappointment

Harden

In her

Throat

Like

Cement

.

Why

Leave her

A key

She can't

Use

To a

House

She can't

Get into?

.

It's

Almost

Too cruel

To get

So close

And

Lose

The

Last

Chance

.

(Maybe

She

Ought to

Have

Expected

That)

.

Then

.

She

Remembers

.

The kitchen

.

The

Side

Door

.

She

Races

Around

The

House

.

It's

Not

Padlocked

.

With

Fumbling hands

She slips

They key

Into the lock

And

Turns

.

It

Opens

.

For

A

Moment

She just

Stands there

Unable

To

Believe

It

.

His family

Kept her

Out

.

But

He

Gave

Her

A

Way

In.

 **II.**

It's

Empty

.

His family

Must have

Gotten rid of

Everything

.

His computer

His clothes

His golf clubs

.

The

House

Looks

So

Much

Smaller

.

It's

Exactly

The opposite

Of how

She figured

It would

Look

Without

Couches

Tables

Decorations

.

Everything

That made it

Jeff's

.

This

Could

Be

Anybody's

House

.

Not

The place

She spent

Her nights

And days

.

Not

The place

She nearly

Died

.

Not

The place

She would

Have called

Home

.

She walks

From

Room

To

Room

Taking in

The emptiness

The smallness

The anonymity

.

When she

Steps onto

His office

She just

Stares

From the

Doorway

Unable to

Enter

.

Her heart

Catches

In her throat

When she sees

The damage

.

The room

Stripped

Of his

Desk

Computer

File cabinets

Books

Golf clubs

Framed diplomas

.

She can see

The spaces

They left

Behind

On the wall

The places

Where the

Paint

Didn't fade

.

Her eyes

Scan

The empty

Bookshelves

Trying

To remember

Where each

Book

Had been

.

She

Nearly

Breaks down

When

She realizes

She can

Only

Remember

One –

.

 _The Sun Also Rises_

.

The one

He chose

For her

Off the shelf

And

Told her

To read

On the

Treadmill

.

The same day

She bashed

His windshield

And

Headlights

.

The same day

She learned

He lied

About

That tweet

From

Jade's party

.

The same day

He said

He couldn't

Lose her

.

She stares

At the

Empty spaces

Left behind

And

Tries to

Picture

Everything

Just like

It was

.

She

Tries

.

But

.

She

Can't

.

She

Can't

Remember

.

Nothing

Has been

Left

Untouched

.

Nothing

Is

The

Same.

 **III.**

She sits

On the

Bottom step

Of the

Staircase

For

A long time

Looking

At the

Gaping doorways

To

Empty rooms

And

Trying to

Remember

.

When she can

Look up

And

Not weep

At the

Bare floors

Naked walls

And

Complete

Deathless

Silence

She stands

And

Climbs the steps

.

Another

Another

Another

.

Her feet are

Unsteady

As she

Clutches

The railing

With

Slippery palms

Palms slippery

Not trusting

Herself

To let go.

 **IV.**

She's

Here

.

The hallway

She stumbled down

Looking for Will

Not knowing

What she'd find

.

Now

She stumbles down

Looking for no one

Still

Not knowing

What she'll find

.

She opens

The first door

She finds:

The guest room

She found him

With that woman

And

Her heart

Crashed

To a

Stop

.

Now

It's just

A room

.

Four walls

And

A roof

.

This time

Instead of

Stopping

Her heart

Hammers

Like a

Freight train

.

She keeps

Walking

Until

She's looked

Inside

Every room

But

One.

 **V.**

This

Has

To

Be

Some

Mistake

.

This can't be

The place

They spent

Side by side

In the

Same bed

.

It's

Too

Small

.

Too small

To hold the memories

Too small

To hold the ghosts

Too small

To hold the happiness

.

Too small

To hold them

Without

The walls

Bursting

Like seams

.

But

She sees

The dents

In the

Carpet

Marking

The space

Where

The bed

Used to

Be

.

Then

.

She

Can't

Stay

Standing

.

She crawls

To the square

Made by

The dents

The bedposts

Etched

In the floor

And

Sits

In the center

Arms wrapped

Around

Her knees

.

All she wanted

When he

Died

Was the chance

To

Come back

Here

.

To have

Something

Of his

.

To see

The place

One last time

.

To walk

In the spaces

He'd been

.

To remember

Everything

Good and bad

.

To imagine

The life

They should have had

.

To

Say

Goodbye

.

When she

Couldn't

It was like

He'd died

Twice

.

She thought

Coming back

To this house

Could

Bring her

Closure

Or

Acceptance

Or

Comfort

.

Maybe

Even

Answers

.

Now

.

She

Feels

Nothing

.

Except

The silence

.

Pressing in

Entombing her

Inside

The shell

Of the

Only place

She could

Once call

Theirs.

 **VI.**

It's getting

Dark

By the time

She

Finally

Leaves

Jeff's house

.

She sat there

In the space

Where the

Bed

Used to be

Until

Light

Became

Shadow

And

Day

Turned to

Dusk

.

Then

She stood up

Walked

Out of the room

Walked

Down the stairs

Walked

Past the office

Walked

Through the kitchen

Walked

Right out the door

.

Except

To put

The key

In the door

And

Lock up

Behind her

She

Never

Once

Looked

Back

.

When she

Gets home

She sits

In her car

In the

Driveway

Until

The sun

Goes

Down

.

For some reason

She's panting

And

Covered in sweat

Gasping for air

Like she

Just ran

A marathon

.

Her hand

Aches

.

And

When she

Opens

Her clenched fist

She realizes

She's still

Clutching

Jeff's house key

.

The jagged metal

Is

Indented

Looking

As permanent

As a tattoo


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: Final chapter. Thank you to everyone who reads and reviews. You're all lovely. Happy New Year =)**

 **I.**

Time

Passes

.

Hours

Then

Days

Then

Weeks

.

And

She learns

The pain

Isn't

Right on

The surface

Anymore

It's

Under

Her

Skin

.

Inside

Her

Bones

.

In

Her

Nightmares

.

Part

Of

Her

Bloodstream

.

It's not

As sharp

Or raw

As it

Once

Was

.

But

It has

Sunk in

.

And

She can't

Change

That

.

Anymore

Than

She can

Change

The

Weather

.

Which

Is turning

Colder

Darker

And

Greyer

Every day

.

December

Is getting

Closer

.

Everywhere

She goes

There are

Lights

Music

Bells

Smiles

.

Long lines

Crowded parking lots

Too much traffic

.

It's not

Even

Thanksgiving

Yet

But

The holidays

Are already

In full swing

.

She imagines

She'll spend

Thanksgiving

Christmas

New Year's

Under the covers

Or

On the couch

.

Or maybe

With her head

In the oven

With the gas

Turned up

High

.

(Just kidding)

.

(She'd rather

Shove it

In the

Fireplace)

 **II.**

Yesterday

She sent

Two

New demos

To Rayna

.

She

Called

Today

To talk

To Layla

About

Them:

" _Beautiful_

 _Music_

 _Sweetheart_

 _This is_

 _Some_

 _Of_

 _Your best_

 _Work._

 _Real_

 _Personal_

 _And gritty_

 _A lot of_

 _Feeling._

 _Some of it_

 _Is just_

 _Heartbreaking."_

.

It took

A minute

For

Layla's throat

To unstick:

" _Yeah_

 _Thanks."_

.

Her album

Is being

Released

Soon

.

Highway 65

Put it

On the

Calendar

For early

Next year

.

They're aiming

For

A release date

Towards

The middle

Of

March

.

She has

Some

Finishing touches

To make

But

It's almost

Complete

.

Pretty soon

She'll be

Back

In the

Studio

Working on

Album #2

.

Right now

She throws

All her

Concentration

Into

New material

.

She

Can't

Think

About

What will

Happen

When

Release Day

Arrives

.

She

Used to

Look forward

To it

Like

A seven-year-old

Looks forward

To

Christmas Day

.

Now

Her stomach

Churns

Whenever

She thinks

Of how

She'll get

Through it

Alone

.

He

Should

Be

Here

.

He

Was

Supposed

To

Be

Here

.

But

He

Isn't

Going

To see

Any of it

.

What he

Believed in

When

No one else

Did

.

What he

Worked

So hard for

When

No one else

Would

.

What he

Pushed

Out of her

When

No one else

Tried

.

What he

Knew

She was

Capable of

After

Everyone

In this city

Had

Written her off

As

A reality show reject

A tabloid headline

A laughingstock

A failure

.

Used up

Discarded

Worthless

Broken

.

She was

All of that

And

More

Until

Jeff

Believed

.

He

Should

Be

Here

.

This album

Is as much

His

As it is

Hers

.

It will

Feel

So wrong

To celebrate

Without

Jeff

.

She doesn't

Know

How

She's going

To make it

Through that day

Knowing

He's left

An empty space

In a moment

They

Should have

Shared

.

She doesn't

Know

How

She's going

To make room

For the rest

Of her life

With this

Taking up

So

Much

Space

.

It aches

Every time

It aches.

 **III.**

She spent

All last year

Losing

.

Her marriage

Her trust

Her happiness

Her dignity

Her career

.

And now

She's lost

This

As well

.

Three minutes

 _Tick tick tick_

And

Then

.

There's

Nothing

.

The single line

Points

To the

Truth

.

Hers

Is

The only

Heartbeat

Under

Her skin

.

She's hunched

On the

Bathroom floor

Holding

The proof

.

Tears

Course down

Her cheeks

As she stares

At the

Minus sign

.

She feels

Like

Throwing up

Again

.

Whether

It's from

Relief

Or

Despair

She can't

Tell

.

A part

Of her

Feels like

She's lost

Jeff

All over

Again

.

That test

Was

The last hope

For

Her

.

That

He really

Had left

Something

Behind

.

That

She hadn't

Been erased

From his

World

.

That

She had

A part

Of him

To hold onto

.

That

He wasn't

Completely

Gone

.

It's

A kind of

Loneliness

She's

Never

Felt

Before

.

Even

After

Weeks

Of

Being

All

Alone.

 **IV.**

There are

Worse things

She can do

Than

Run

On wobbly legs

While the sky

Looks ready

To break

.

But

She's restless

And rattled

.

There's

An itch

Under her skin

That won't

Go away

Unless

She runs

Over miles

And miles

Of asphalt

Without

Stopping

.

So

She laces up

Her shoes

And

Heads out

.

Ignoring

The muggy haze

In the air

And

The stagnant wind

That says

More rain

Is

Coming

.

This morning

Smells like

Sick-sweet decay

And

Earthworms

As she jogs

Down the street

.

It feels like

The world

Is holding

Its breath

.

Like

It has

Never

Seen

The sun

Before

.

 _Faster_

 _Faster_

.

She has

To keep

Going

.

If she

Stops

She'll

Never

Get

Momentum

Back

.

Then

The entire run

Will be

A waste

.

 _Faster_

 _Faster_

.

She has

To keep

Going

.

Will

Told her:

" _You need_

 _To keep_

 _Going._

 _You have to._

 _It's the_

 _Only way_

 _You'll make it_

 _Through_

 _This."_

.

(Again

With the

Euphemisms)

.

(He couldn't

Just say:

" _Your boyfriend_

 _Killed himself_

 _But_

 _You're_

 _Still alive_

 _And_

 _You need to_

 _Remember_

 _That."_ )

.

(As if

She could

Ever

Forget

She's here

And

He's not)

.

(As if

She could

Forget

He left her

Alone)

.

Humidity

Circles the air

Choking her

With the stench

Of rot

As

Her feet

Slap the asphalt

As

Her arms

Pump at her sides

As

Her breath

Becomes ragged

As

Her legs

Push her farther

.

 _Faster_

 _Faster_

.

Above her

The waiting skies

Are

Impatient

To release

Something

Wild

Frantic

And

Pointlessly

Destructive

.

But

Right now

The city

Is divided

Between

Something

Ferocious

And

Something

Still

.

In between

Rage

And

Recovery.

 **V.**

Will

Is staring

At the

Stovetop

His face

Wary:

" _You can't_

 _Convince me_

 _That's_

 _Anything_

 _Resembling_

 _A burger."_

.

She

Brandishes

Her spatula

At him

.

It drips

With

Hot oil:

" _They're_

 _Called_

 _Veggie burgers."_

.

Will

Shakes his head:

" _Vegetables_

 _That look like_

 _Meat_

 _Have_

 _No business_

 _Calling themselves_

 _Burgers._

 _They_

 _Aren't_

 _Even_

 _Burgers._

 _They're_

 _Tofu_

 _Hipster_

 _Crunchy_

 _Granola_

 _Garden_

 _Shit_

 _And_

 _The only people_

 _Who eat them_

 _Are_

 _Dudes in Birkenstocks_

 _And_

 _Girls who don't shave."_

.

She laughs:

" _Spoken_

 _Like a_

 _True_

 _Country boy."_

.

Will grins

And

Layla can tell

He's happy

To be

Messing with her

.

Even happier

To see her

Eating

.

This is

The first

Real food

She's eaten

In a long time

.

Definitely

The first time

She's cooked

Since

Atlanta

.

Heating

A frozen

Garden patty

On the stove

Isn't

Exactly

Gourmet

.

But

It's

Something

.

Her

Hip bones

Have been

Sticking out

For a while

.

This morning

She undressed

To

Take a shower

And

Caught

A glimpse

Of

Her reflection

In the

Mirror

.

She'd

Avoided

Looking in mirrors

For

A while

But

This time

When

She saw

Her naked image

She couldn't help

Staring

.

Since

Atlanta

She'd become

Skin and bones

.

The person

In

The mirror

Looked

Nothing like

The

Layla Grant

Anyone

Would

Recognize

.

Her body

Looked

Starved

Ravaged

Exhausted

.

She looked like

She survived

A catastrophe

.

Layla

Hadn't

Planned

To get up

Today

.

But

Seeing

Herself

In the

Mirror

Suddenly

Made her

Want

A hot bath

Clean underwear

Something

In her

Stomach

.

She made it

To the tub

Slipped on

A clean shirt

.

Almost

Threw

Her sheets

Into the

Wash

.

But

She

Couldn't

.

(They

Still

Haven't

Been

Washed

Since

Atlanta)

.

Will

Keeps talking:

" _You know what_

 _P.E.T.A._

 _Stands for_

 _In Texas?"_

.

He looks

At her

And grins:

 _People_

 _Eatin'_

 _Tasty_

 _Animals."_

.

She smacks

Him

In the

Shoulder

And

Laughs

.

It sounds

Weak

To her ears

But

For the

First time

In weeks

It doesn't

Sound

Forced.

 **VI.**

Yesterday

She was

In the studio

Cutting

A new song

And

Rayna said

Layla's invitation

To spend

Thanksgiving dinner

At her house

With

Her family

Was still

Open:

" _You_

 _Are more_

 _Than_

 _Welcome._

 _We_

 _Would_

 _Love_

 _To have_

 _You."_

.

Layla replied:

" _For_

 _Dinner?"_

 _._

Rayna nodded:

" _Yes_

 _For_

 _Dinner."_

.

It took them

Both

A minute

To realize

Layla

Had made

A

Joke.

 **VII.**

The more

She thinks

About

That

Test

.

The more

Grateful

She is

It came back

Negative

.

It may

Have been

A piece

Of him

She could

Hold onto

.

But

She'd always

See

His face

In

Someone else

And

Wonder

.

If things

Had been

Different

And

She'd known

Before

Atlanta

Would he

Have

Stayed?

.

What if

He didn't?

.

Would he

Even want

That future

With her?

.

Would he

Be happy?

.

Would he

Walk away?

.

Would he

Love it?

.

Would he

Want

To be

A family?

.

She's glad

She doesn't

Have to carry

The burden

Of

Explaining

Atlanta

To someone else

.

She

Will

Never

Be

Able

To

Explain

It

.

She would

Dread

That

Conversation

From the

Moment

It was born

Holding

Him

Or

Her

For the

First time

And

Knowing

One day

They would

Learn

What she had

The

Hardest

Way

Possible:

.

Love

Isn't

Enough

To

Save

You

Or

Anybody

Else.

 **VIII.**

New

Morning

.

The ground

Freezes

And

Her breath

Bursts

In white clouds

And

The cold

Presses into

Her ribs

Like a knife

.

First

Day

Below

Freezing

.

The floor

Is like

Ice

Under her feet

.

The windows

Are speckled

With frost

.

The sun

Is so

Bright

It

Looks like

Someone

Set the sky

On fire

.

She glides

One finger

Along

The rime

Of

Frost

On the inside

Of

Her window

.

Traces

A star

In the glass

.

Like she did

When

She was

A little girl

.

The yard

Glitters

With

Frost

.

The

Treetops

Shiver

As

The last

Autumn leaves

Plummet

From

The glass branches

To

The hard ground

Below

.

The world

Is

So bright

It looks

Almost

Reborn

.

Almost

New

.

She

Erases

Her star

With

The palm

Of

Her hand

.

While

The morning

Burns

Through

Her windows

The sheets

Come off

Her bed

.

She tugs

Them

Off

Until

It's just

The mattress

Sitting in its frame

.

Naked

Empty

Anonymous

.

Like

Jeff's

House

.

There isn't

Any sign

He had

Ever

Been here

With her

.

She takes

The sheets

To the

Laundry room

.

Pours

The detergent

Sets

The cycle

Closes

The lid

Presses

The button

.

Then

She sits

On the floor

Against the machine

And

Cries

.

When its

Over

She grabs

Her phone

And

Asks Will

If the invite

For

Thanksgiving

At his house

Is still

Good.

 **IX.**

The weatherman

Says

Tonight

Is going

To drop

Below

Freezing

.

Everyone

Should

Stay inside

And

Bundle up

.

Last winter

Was

Harsh

And

Long

.

Maybe

This one

Will be

Just as bad

.

Cold

Grey

Lonely

Brutal

.

Around her neck

Jeff's key

Is hanging

From a

Chain

.

She holds it

Between

Her fingers

.

It's warm

From being

Pressed

Against her skin

.

Was this

Supposed

To be

The goodbye

He never

Said?

.

Was it

A goodbye

At all?

.

Her fingers

Find

The key

Again

Fastened

Around her neck

.

His note

Said

" _For the future"_

 **.**

They

Were

Making

Plans

Together

 _._

She startles

Out of

Her memories

When

Will

Pokes his

Head

In the

Doorway:

" _Pizza's_

 _Here."_

.

She turns off

The television:

" _Be there_

 _In a second_

 _There's_

 _A phone call_

 _I have_

 _To make."_

.

She grabs

Her cell

Runs

To the

Bathroom

Locks

The door

Behind her

Sits

On the

Closed toiled lid

And

Scrolls

Through MISSED CALLS

Until

She finds

The familiar

Area code.

 **X.**

" _Hello?"_

.

Layla

Takes

A deep

Breath

When

She hears

That familiar voice:

" _Jade?"_

.

A

L-O-N-G

Pause

.

Then

The pop star

Replies

With

A cool tone

Halfway

Across the world:

.

" _I_

 _Didn't_

 _Expect_

 _To_

 _Ever_

 _Hear_

 _From_

 _You_

 _Again._

 _After_

 _You_

 _Never_

 _Returned_

 _My fifth call_

 _I figured_

 _You_

 _Fell_

 _Off_

 _The_

 _Face_

 _Of_

 _The_

 _Earth."_

.

A heartbeat

Later

They both

Realize

What Jade

Just

Said

.

" _Shit_

 _I didn't_

 _Mean it_

 _Like that_ _–"_

.

Layla clears

Her throat:

" _It's okay."_

.

And

Really

It is

.

There's

Silence

From Jade

So

Layla talks:

.

" _I'm sorry_

 _I never called."_

.

There's

A pang

In her chest

When

She says

That:

 _._

" _I felt_

 _Like_

 _I was_

 _Going_

 _Crazy_

 _For_

 _A while_

 _I_

 _Was_

 _So_

 _Lost_

 _I_

 _Didn't_

 _Know_

 _What_

 _To_

 _Do_

 _I still_

 _Don't_

 _But_

 _I'm_

 _Sorry_

 _I_

 _Never_

 _Called you_

 _Back_

 _I know_

 _You and Jeff_

 _Cared about_

 _Each other_

 _Once_

 _And_

 _I know_

 _How hard_

 _It is_

 _To even_

 _Imagine_

 _This is_

 _Real."_

.

Now

Layla's crying

Tears

Strangling

Her words

As the phone

Slips off

Her wet cheek

.

Still

Silence

From

Jade

So

Layla

Plows on:

.

" _I'm still_

 _So_

 _Lost_

 _And_

 _I still_

 _Can't_

 _Believe_

 _This is_

 _Real._

 _I loved him_

 _And he –"_

.

The voice

On the

Other end

Of the line

Breaks through

Her tears

As

Jade murmurs:

" _Sweetheart_

 _I'm not_

 _Mad._

 _Forget_

 _Those voicemails._

 _I wanted_

 _To hear_

 _From you_

 _Because_

 _I was_

 _Worried._

 _I know_

 _Jeff felt_

 _Something_

 _Real_

 _For you._

 _I could_

 _Tell_

 _The moment_

 _He came_

 _To see me_

 _And gave me_

 _Your demo._

 _He was_

 _Passionate_

 _About you_

 _And your_

 _Music_

 _In a_

 _Way_

 _I hadn't_

 _Seen._

 _Not since_

 _He was_

 _My manager._

 _Jeff_

 _Could be_

 _A lot_

 _Of things_

 _But_

 _Passionate_

 _Was_

 _At the top_

 _Of his_

 _List._

 _And_

 _He was_

 _Passionate_

 _About_

 _You._

 _You_

 _Were_

 _Important_

 _To_

 _Him._

 _And_

 _He_

 _Was_

 _The same_

 _For_

 _You."_

.

She's still

Crying

Too hard

To speak

So

Layla just nods

Into the phone

Like Jade

Can hear

The movement

Across

The continent:

" _When he_

 _Died_

 _I felt_

 _Like_

 _I couldn't_

 _Even_

 _Mourn_

 _Him._

 _His family_

 _Completely_

 _Shut me out."_

.

" _Me_

 _Too,"_

Jade replies

And Layla

Thinks

She hears

A tearful hiccup

In the

Superstar's

Voice:

" _I called_

 _His family_

 _A hundred times._

 _I had_

 _My assistants_

 _Try_

 _To figure out_

 _When_

 _They scheduled_

 _The funeral._

 _Even_

 _Had my_

 _Manager_

 _And_

 _Some_

 _Bigshots_

 _At my_

 _Record label_

 _Call them_

 _To get_

 _Any_

 _Details._

 _But_

 _They_

 _Never_

 _Called_

 _Me_

 _Back._

 _I_ _remember_

 _I cried_

 _That_ _whole day._

 _My manager_

 _Was_

 _Annoyed_

 _Because_

 _I had_

 _A show_

 _That night_

 _And_

 _I wanted_

 _To cancel._

 _That would_

 _Have been_

 _First time_

 _In my_

 _Whole career_

 _I would have_

 _Cancelled_

 _A show._

 _I ended up_

 _Going onstage_

 _But_

 _I had_

 _A huge_

 _Blow-out_

 _With_

 _The label execs_

 _Over it_

 _Beforehand."_

.

Layla jackknifes

Into

Herself

Phone still

Clamped

To her

Cheek:

 _._

" _I_

 _Never_

 _Got_

 _To_

 _Say_

 _Goodbye."_

.

She

Says

That

More to

Herself

Than to

Jade

.

It hurts

So much

To

Finally

Say it

Out loud

.

Her chest

Feels

Hollow

When the

Air

And the

Words

Leave her

Body

.

But

It also

Feels like

Someone

Just took

An anvil

Off her

Back.

 **XI.**

Will

Can tell

She's been

Crying

As soon as

He sees

Her face

.

She asks him

Without preamble:

" _How long_

 _Did you_

 _Know_

 _You wanted_

 _To die?"_

 _._

His face

Goes

White

.

He looks

So surprised

He doesn't

Try

To evade

An answer:

" _I don't know."_

.

She shakes

Her head:

" _Can you_

 _At least_

 _Give me_

 _A hint?_

 _Some number?_

 _Did you_

 _Feel_

 _This way_

 _For_

 _Years_

 _Or was it_

 _Like_

 _A switch_

 _In your_

 _Brain_

 _Got flipped?"_

.

Will just

Shakes his head:

" _I really_

 _Don't know._

 _I know_

 _I felt_

 _Bad_

 _For years._

 _I know_

 _The reasons_

 _I tried_

 _To –"_

.

(He can't

Say

The Word.)

.

(Nobody

Says

The Word.)

.

" _When I_

 _Felt_

 _That way_

 _It was_

 _Because_

 _Everything_

 _I was_

 _Dealing with_

 _Hit me_

 _All at once."_

.

She asks:

" _So_

 _It was_

 _A_

 _Split-second_

 _Choice?"_

.

Will replies:

" _No –_

 _I mean_

 _Kind of._

 _Yes._

 _I made_

 _The choice_

 _To die_

 _That night._

 _I didn't_

 _Spend_

 _The entire day_

 _Knowing_

 _I would try_

 _To_

 _Hurt myself._

 _I didn't_

 _Spend_

 _The whole week_

 _Planning out_

 _How I'd do it."_

.

Layla's arms

Are covered

In goosebumps

.

She looks

At

Will:

" _Then_

 _Why'd_

 _You_

 _Do_

 _It?"_

.

He doesn't answer

Just crosses

His arms

And

Stares

At the floor

.

She leans

Against

The kitchen wall

Thinking

Maybe

She went

Too far:

" _I'm sorry_

 _You don't_

 _Have to_

 _Answer_

 _That."_

.

He looks up

At her:

" _No_

 _I will."_

.

He takes

A deep breath:

" _Because_

 _I hated_

 _Myself_

 _So much_

 _I thought_

 _It was_

 _The_

 _Only_

 _Way_

 _To_

 _Stop_

 _Hurting._

 _I hated_

 _Myself_

 _And_

 _Thought_

 _If everyone else_

 _Could see_

 _Me_

 _At that moment_

 _They'd know_

 _How_

 _Fucked-up_

 _I was._

 _How disgusting_

 _I felt._

 _Living_

 _Hurt_

 _Too much_

 _So_

 _Dying_

 _Was_

 _The only way_

 _To_

 _Make it_

 _Stop."_

.

He's watching

Her

Carefully:

" _Most of all_

 _I wanted_

 _To be_

 _At peace._

 _And_

 _I thought_

 _I could_

 _Never_

 _Do that_

 _If I_

 _Stayed_

 _Alive."_

For a

Moment

All they

Can do

Is

Stare

At each other

.

Will's voice

Is so

Soft

She can

Barely

Hear it:

" _Was that_

 _How it was_

 _For you?_

 _I never_

 _Asked."_

.

Layla

Thinks about it

Then

Shakes her head:

" _No._

 _I felt bad_

 _Way before_

 _I caught you_

 _With_

 _That woman_

 _But_

 _I didn't think_

 _About dying_

 _As much as_

 _I thought_

 _About_

 _Being dead._

 _I didn't_

 _Make a plan_

 _Or_

 _Write a note_

 _Or_

 _Look up ways_

 _I could do it_

 _But_

 _I would think_

 _All the time_

 _How much_

 _I wanted_

 _To just_

 _Go to sleep_

 _And_

 _Never wake up._

 _Or_

 _I'd be driving_

 _And wish_

 _Some huge truck_

 _Would_

 _Run me over_

 _And that_

 _Would be it._

 _Because_

 _I was_

 _Tired._

 _All the_

 _Bullshit_

 _Was_

 _Too much_

 _And_

 _Things felt_

 _So bad_

 _And_

 _There was_

 _No way_

 _To fix it._

 _Then_

 _I saw you_

 _In bed_

 _With that woman._

 _Jeff rejected me_

 _And_

 _You didn't love me_

 _And_

 _Seeing you_

 _With her_

 _Made_

 _All those feelings_

 _Too strong._

 _So_

 _I took_

 _The pills."_

.

Will

Is nodding

Along

With her

Words:

" _It hit you_

 _All at once._

 _Like a train._

 _And it_

 _Damn near_

 _Tore you_

 _In half."_

.

She has

To hold

Her breath

For a

Moment

Then

Let it out

Slowly

So her heart

Can stop

Racing:

" _Yeah._

 _It hit me_

 _All at once."_

 _._

Silence

.

Then

She whispers:

.

" _Why_

 _Did_

 _He_

 _Do_

 _It?"_

.

Will

Has never

Looked

Younger

Than he does

Right now:

" _I_

 _Don't_

 _Know,_

 _Layla."_

.

And

She feels

A deep

Cutting

Sense of

Loss

.

It's

Different

From what

She felt

When

The detectives

Came to

Her hotel room

Or when

Kate banished her

From the hotel

Or when

She called Rayna

And said

The words:

" _Jeff's dead"_

For the first time

Or when

She cried

On Luke's shoulder

Or when

Will brought her

Back home

And

She saw

The moving boxes

Or when

The pregnancy test

Came back negative

.

Right now

She feels

Farther

Away

From Jeff

Than

She ever has

Before

.

She says:

" _I'm_

 _Never_

 _Going_

 _To_

 _Know._

 _And_

 _I_

 _Don't_

 _Think_

 _I_

 _Can_

 _Live_

 _With_

 _That._

 _It_

 _Hurts_

 _So_

 _Much_

 _And_

 _Every day_

 _It just_

 _Gets_

 _Worse._

 _It's_

 _Like_

 _A hole_

 _In me_

 _And_

 _It keeps_

 _Getting_

 _Bigger._

 _I think_

 _It's just_

 _Going to_

 _Swallow me_

 _Completely_

 _Because_

 _I can't see_

 _A way_

 _Out._

 _I don't_

 _Think_

 _I'll ever_

 _Stop_

 _Feeling_

 _This way."_

.

Will

Puts his arms

Around her

And

Holds her tightly:

" _Is there_

 _Anything_

 _I can do?"_

.

She closes

Her eyes

Breathing

Him in:

" _No._

 _There's_

 _Nothing_

 _Anybody_

 _Can do._

 _It_

 _Just_

 _Hurts."_

 _._

They stand

That way

Until

The pizza

Becomes cold

And

The sun fades

To shadow.

 **XII.**

She wonders

If his

Sister

Misses him

At all

.

She wonders

If his

Parents

Have outlived

Their son

.

She wonders

If his

Body

Was buried

Or cremated

.

She wonders

If his

Headstone

Is like

His house

.

Dark

Empty

Impersonal

.

Nothing

Of him

To mark

His life

Other than

Dates

Etched

In stone

.

She wonders

If his

Message –

" _For the future"_

Was a promise

Or a goodbye

.

She

Wanted

An answer

So badly

.

She

Wanted

An explanation

.

She will

Go

The rest

Of her

Life

Trying

To find

It

.

Every day

Waking up

To the

Same

Questions:

.

Why

He left her

.

Why

He didn't talk

To her

.

Why

He felt like

Nothing

Could be fixed

.

Why

He believed

The rooftop

Was

The only solution

.

Why

She got to live

When he didn't

.

Now

There's

Another

Question

She

Never

Considered

Before:

.

If he's

Found

Peace

.

Maybe

She will

Someday

.

She

Wonders

.

She

Hopes.


End file.
